I recently found out that a friend of a friend is going through something similar but wayyyy worse than what I went through. :( My heart breaks for her, for her sweet little children and for her stupid husband.
So many emotions I felt when the *$&^# hit the fan have come rushing back as I have thought about her situation and what is coming for her. I was talking with my mom about it and it was interesting to reflect on the many different layers of pain we "lucky" women get to endure.
I actually found myself utter the words..."man I'm grateful for my own situation/husband's situation."
I am reminded of just how deep my own wounds go and just how high my walls are. :(
I am grateful that no matter how deep my despair I was and am never alone.
Neither are you!
M
Monday, September 24, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Hindsight
It is true when they say that hindsight is 20/20. It isn't just 20/20 it is painful and frustrating. I sometimes wish there wasn't an instant replay button in my head. It would be so much easier to forget. Why couldn't I get hit in the head and have amnesia? Just kidding. That would be really hard too. 50 First Dates anyone?
Looking back in my particular situation it is easy to pinpoint specific examples where a different choice could have lead to very a different outcome. What if? Such a simple question with so many possible answers. Sometimes I lie awake in my bed and ponder. I don't know if it is cathartic or masochistic. Either way I do it. My fears sometimes get the best of me and I have to remind myself how far we have come and how we are moving forward on an upward trajectory. Nobody said it would be instantaneous or easy. There is no magic wand to make things all better. There is no fairy tale ending in the world of sex/porn addiction. There is work and more work. There is need for having more faith than you thought possible. Mostly in yourself. We are strong women. There is strength in staying and leaving. I often think it would be harder to leave. For those women who have chosen that path I salute you. I don't think I am that strong. I hope I never have to test that mettle that is probably there inside me.
If I could pinpoint one moment I wish I could redo it would be about 2 months into our marriage. I came home from a long day at school to a spotless home. My husband had cleaned and arranged everything. I thought to myself man how lucky am I?
I found my husband in the back of our one bedroom apartment in tears. He had called a singles chat line and listened to some messages. He hadn't talked to anyone or done anything "that" bad but he felt terrible. He cleaned and cleaned probably in some sort of theraputic way to both do something nice for me and to make himself feel better. He opened up about some of the demons he had battled and promised that it was all in the past. We cried together and he promised it would never happen again. What if he had kept that promise? What if I hadn't been so naiive?
What if?
Do you ever do that to yourself? If you could tell your newlywed self one thing what would it be?
I always have to hold back when at bridal showers I am tasked with giving advice to the new bride. Instead of the typical "never go to bed angry" and "if he seems grumpy feed him" I want to write down "don't put the computer in the back room" or "if something seems off go with your gut instincts" or even be so bold as to say "when your husband seems off he may have an addition to sex/porn so maybe reseach that ahead of time."
I know that I don't want my sweet daughter to know the gory details of her daddy's past but I certainly want to armor her tender heart in case she is faced with a similar cross to bear.
What about you?
Looking back in my particular situation it is easy to pinpoint specific examples where a different choice could have lead to very a different outcome. What if? Such a simple question with so many possible answers. Sometimes I lie awake in my bed and ponder. I don't know if it is cathartic or masochistic. Either way I do it. My fears sometimes get the best of me and I have to remind myself how far we have come and how we are moving forward on an upward trajectory. Nobody said it would be instantaneous or easy. There is no magic wand to make things all better. There is no fairy tale ending in the world of sex/porn addiction. There is work and more work. There is need for having more faith than you thought possible. Mostly in yourself. We are strong women. There is strength in staying and leaving. I often think it would be harder to leave. For those women who have chosen that path I salute you. I don't think I am that strong. I hope I never have to test that mettle that is probably there inside me.
If I could pinpoint one moment I wish I could redo it would be about 2 months into our marriage. I came home from a long day at school to a spotless home. My husband had cleaned and arranged everything. I thought to myself man how lucky am I?
I found my husband in the back of our one bedroom apartment in tears. He had called a singles chat line and listened to some messages. He hadn't talked to anyone or done anything "that" bad but he felt terrible. He cleaned and cleaned probably in some sort of theraputic way to both do something nice for me and to make himself feel better. He opened up about some of the demons he had battled and promised that it was all in the past. We cried together and he promised it would never happen again. What if he had kept that promise? What if I hadn't been so naiive?
What if?
Do you ever do that to yourself? If you could tell your newlywed self one thing what would it be?
I always have to hold back when at bridal showers I am tasked with giving advice to the new bride. Instead of the typical "never go to bed angry" and "if he seems grumpy feed him" I want to write down "don't put the computer in the back room" or "if something seems off go with your gut instincts" or even be so bold as to say "when your husband seems off he may have an addition to sex/porn so maybe reseach that ahead of time."
I know that I don't want my sweet daughter to know the gory details of her daddy's past but I certainly want to armor her tender heart in case she is faced with a similar cross to bear.
What about you?
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