Loss is loss and grief is grief

Last month I miscarried at 16 weeks.  Though devastating news I was flooded with well wishers and sympathy.  I was buoyed up by prayers and love.  I was doted on and pampered by my sweet husband.

It was kind of nice for once to be able to express my feelings and sadness openly and not worry about who I was talking to and if they would respect my privacy.  Miscarriage isn't taboo.  It isn't something to feel guilt over.  It happens.  Death happens.  We aren't in control of any of it really and so for me it has been easier to deal with in some ways than the turmoil that my husband created.  It really sucks to suffer in silence!  I am so grateful for the bloggers out there who aren't afraid to share openly. 

I am grateful I had the chance to go to the Togetherness Project a couple months ago. 

I am doing ok.  I am still sad and disappointed.  Physically I am fine.  My depression hasn't really changed.  I am staying busy and with the holidays that isn't too hard to do.  I find myself distracted most of the time. 

I find myself reevaluating both my life and the choices and consequences of so many choices.  I hate playing the what if game.  It always just leaves me sad in the end.  I can't go back in time.  I can't change the past.  I can't bring my baby back to life.  I can't change the situation my husband created. 

But I CAN change me.  I CAN be the kind of mom I always promised myself I'd be.  I CAN be the wife that I want to be.  I CAN be in shape.  I CAN eat healthy.  I CAN read my scriptures and pray.

Now I just have to find the will to just get up and DO it. 

I am so thankful for the holiday season and for the gift that Christ has given each of us.  And hopefully there is a way in that plan that I can get the chance to raise that sweet little boy that only lived for a short time within me.

M

Recent Ramblings

So I have been pretty AWOL lately.  I guess the holidays and life in general has kept me pretty busy.  I can feel it in my bones though.  The need to purge all the things that I think and have on my mind.  I have been keeping up with many of your through your blogs and let me just say that you are all so amazing.  I find myself agreeing with almost everything you say and so I am left thinking that there isn't much I could add to what you have already said.

That being said I am in a pretty good place right now with my man.  I don't have much that I can really complain about right now.  For now we are in a good holding pattern.  I am nervous because sometimes I feel like it is the calm before the storm. 

I want to write more about my experience in the hopes that maybe someone out there somewhere can avoid all that my family had to go through. 

I am going to try and go back to the beginning of the mess that is/was my life and hopefully find peace and some level of closure.

My only hope is that if you read/comment here you do so tenderly.  My life is not a train wreck that you can't pull your eyes away from gawking at.  My family is my everything. 

so...

My husband obviously never wanted to have happen when eventually transpired.  Pornography is a trap.  It is much like any other drug or vice that for many people is viewed as harmless.  But then again so is alcohol, tobacco and even food for that matter.  It isn't one of those things that can be enjoyed in moderation.  A glass of red "porn" with dinner every once in a while or a casual "porn" drinker isn't ok the same way that at least in my religion alcohol is EVER ok.

No two situations are the same.  No two men have the same level of will power or determination. My husband was and still is the love of my life.  He is the father of my kids and future kids and I know he loves me.

He got himself into a big mess. 

Through his therapy he has conceded that alot of it had to do with his self-esteem.  shocker...

Sometimes it is hard not to roll my eyes at the thought of that. 

So I am supposed to feel sorry for you and your low self-esteem??  hmmmmmm