I have always been a person who hates to have anyone mad at me and who would rather fix things than let them sit and fester. That being said forgiving my husband was HARD.
I am a firm believer that forgiveness is an active and ongoing CHOICE and not something you just say and that is that. It is also doesn't mean that you have to forget or even choose to stick around. I don't blame anyone who doesn't stick it out. Broken covenants and trust are extremely difficult to restore. Also I don't think that divorce = no forgiveness. There is a huge difference between forgiving and choosing to live/deal with the consequences especially when the other person isn't willing to change.
My CHOICE to stay was a very personal one. I think initially it came out of a desire to "fix" everything and have things go back to the way they were. That certainly couldn't happen. My heart was broken. My world was crumbling. I was in a state of shock. How could he let this happen? Why? These are questions that have the same answer -- addiction.
Forgiving an addict and living with one are two different challenges.
While it was probably the most difficult decision of my life I knew I had to forgive. It is a commandment after all. How am I ever going to become like my Savior if I can't forgive like he does? From SCARLET to WHITE SNOW? That has a new perspective for me. He has certainly forgiven me my share of sins. And by forgiving him (husband) I have come closer to Him (Christ). My personal testimony of the Atonement has been forever strengthened. I know it is real. I know He died for each one of us. I know He loves my husband as much as He loves anyone else.
In the beginning there were more bad days than good. The smallest thing would set me off into a tailspin of frantic emotions. After rehashing all the past emotions and hurling swear words at him I would find myself sobbing and not feeling any better. Punishing him with these episodes wasn't helping. It was almost like I had to decide everyday that I was going to forgive him and from there it eventually got easier.
I knew I couldn't stay if I couldn't forgive him. He wouldn't stay if I couldn't forgive him.
There are still days when it all comes rushing back. My heart is still raw inside even though I have built up some pretty strong walls. That is what I am trying to work on now. Bringing down the walls and actually feeling happy. For as much as my husband has had to use the Atonement in his personal repentance process I have needed it in my own life to buoy me up and keep me focused on the eternal perspective.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Survival mode.
When my husband went to jail it was a total shock. Our attorney had pretty much guaranteed that it wouldn't happen. He said later that had we had the judge next door it would have been a totally different outcome.
I can remember walking out of the courthouse totally shell shocked. They had handed me his wallet and his belt. I was alone. My mom was watching our daughter and I had to get back to breast feed her.
I can remember walking into my mom's house almost hyperventilating. I tried to calm down enough to feed the baby and then I vividly remember going into survival mode.
I started calculating all things money related, what to do with some of the most minute details. What to do about his car? what about his work stuff? what about his cell phone? I had to feel in control of something, anything.
I decided right then that I was going to survive this. Every time I look at my sweet 2 month old I am glad I did. He wouldn't be here right now if I didn't.
So many people have things so much worse. I have a whole blog feeder full of heartbreaking blogs from death of a spouse to death of a child. I know it isn't right to compare trials, but I think we all do it.
Although we never "separated" from all the drama we were separated for 8 months. This definitely gave me the time and space I needed to heal and to forgive. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I was able to see him at his lowest and to actually feel sorry for him because of what he was going through. Jail is not a fun place. He went into survival mode too. No one tells you what it is like to have someone you love in jail. You have to survive it.
Some of the most tender letters were shared by us during that time as it was our main way to stay connected. He could only see our daughter once a month, and was never allowed any physical contact with either of us. Always behind glass. It was tough. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It was definitely the hardest thing he has ever done.
In some ways it made it easier to forgive him because I didn't feel like I needed to punish him any more than he was already being punished. There were plenty of phone calls that ended abruptly with me in tears and frustrated and not knowing when I'd even talk to him again.
I was buoyed up by so many during that time and the wagons were circled around me that I was able to get through. I will be eternally grateful for those who helped us through that time. The emotions were so raw and so close to the surface. Any judgements people had towards him and me they basically kept to themselves. I felt like ignorance was bliss. I couldn't worry about who was judging him. They will get theirs someday.
I don't excuse anything that he did. It is part of this disgusting and destructive addiction.
It is weird to write of all this as so much time has passed. It is a little painful to reflect upon and is not a place that either of us like to go emotionally. It is too hard.
We have moved on since that time.
We have put it behind us.
We are taking each day as it comes and for now we are still surviving.
m.
I can remember walking out of the courthouse totally shell shocked. They had handed me his wallet and his belt. I was alone. My mom was watching our daughter and I had to get back to breast feed her.
I can remember walking into my mom's house almost hyperventilating. I tried to calm down enough to feed the baby and then I vividly remember going into survival mode.
I started calculating all things money related, what to do with some of the most minute details. What to do about his car? what about his work stuff? what about his cell phone? I had to feel in control of something, anything.
I decided right then that I was going to survive this. Every time I look at my sweet 2 month old I am glad I did. He wouldn't be here right now if I didn't.
So many people have things so much worse. I have a whole blog feeder full of heartbreaking blogs from death of a spouse to death of a child. I know it isn't right to compare trials, but I think we all do it.
Although we never "separated" from all the drama we were separated for 8 months. This definitely gave me the time and space I needed to heal and to forgive. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I was able to see him at his lowest and to actually feel sorry for him because of what he was going through. Jail is not a fun place. He went into survival mode too. No one tells you what it is like to have someone you love in jail. You have to survive it.
Some of the most tender letters were shared by us during that time as it was our main way to stay connected. He could only see our daughter once a month, and was never allowed any physical contact with either of us. Always behind glass. It was tough. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It was definitely the hardest thing he has ever done.
In some ways it made it easier to forgive him because I didn't feel like I needed to punish him any more than he was already being punished. There were plenty of phone calls that ended abruptly with me in tears and frustrated and not knowing when I'd even talk to him again.
I was buoyed up by so many during that time and the wagons were circled around me that I was able to get through. I will be eternally grateful for those who helped us through that time. The emotions were so raw and so close to the surface. Any judgements people had towards him and me they basically kept to themselves. I felt like ignorance was bliss. I couldn't worry about who was judging him. They will get theirs someday.
I don't excuse anything that he did. It is part of this disgusting and destructive addiction.
It is weird to write of all this as so much time has passed. It is a little painful to reflect upon and is not a place that either of us like to go emotionally. It is too hard.
We have moved on since that time.
We have put it behind us.
We are taking each day as it comes and for now we are still surviving.
m.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
drowning.
I feel like I haven't really been able to breathe for over 6 years now. I feel like now is the time to reach out and hopefully find some air.
The last memory I have of being naively happy was ironically at my Grandmother's funeral in 2006. I was about 6 months pregnant and with my gorgeous husband of almost 5 years. I had a great job that I loved and he was about to finish school at BYU.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. And I am keenly and painfully aware of that fact.
I know my grandma had something to do with his secrets coming out. She never was one to put up with any crap. I need to remember to thank her when I get to the other side. I fear that if things had gone on much longer that my outcome would have been even more tragic and painful than they were and currently are.
I was cleaning the kitchen and there was a knock at the door. It was the police. They asked for my husband. Clearly it was all a big misunderstanding. He had just gotten home from a YM presidency meeting.
Turns out I was wrong. He was at his meeting. They called his YM president to confirm.
He never showed up for his "date" that they had tried to ensnare him in. His double life never got physical. For that I am eternally grateful. He wasn't the smartest about who he was "talking" to online and sent his picture to some underage girls. They weren't actually underage girls. I am actually glad about that part. No underage girls were harmed by his stupidity. The fact that he didn't have any child porn was why I was able to forgive him. His temptation is the online/phone "chatting" and not so much the visual/video "normal" porn.
He is not a pedophile. Of that I am 100% sure. The police and the Holy Ghost have confirmed that to me.
I don't want to rehash all that has transpired since. To make a long story short, he went to jail for about 8 months. He was clean until about 6 months ago.
He was at least smarter about it all this time around and didn't get into any trouble with the law. Even he isn't THAT stupid.
I guess I thought that he was better that the painful experience of missing out on the first 8 months of his daughters life and basically losing his career would have been enough to get him to never touch that filth again. I was wrong.
I haven't confided in anyone since it happened again. Obviously many people knew when he was gone etc. but all the forgiving and good graces he is in with everyone else I don't want to throw away. I love him too much.
He is in good standing in the church, holds a calling and we can and do attend the temple regularly. He has his list of things he has to do to keep the adversary out of his life and mind. He is doing them. He loves me and our little family. I love him. He has promised it is over. For now at least I know that it is. I am not naive though to think that it couldn't happen again.
I still struggle. I struggle with trust, I struggle with my self-confidence and self-worth. I am still paranoid. I still wish things were different. I am still here. We are still here.
WE are intact. He blessed our new baby boy a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful. I was truly happy.
I don't think he'll ever be cured. I am looking at it now for what it really is. It is an addiction. It is one that we are battling together now.
I never got any counseling. I think I should have and I think I want to. I don't even know where to start.
I guess I have been waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver. I am tired of waiting. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. That punched in the gut feeling of how could he? Why would he?
I know I am not alone. I just sometimes feel alone.
I have been through the whole range of emotions and have come out the other side scarred and wounded. The wounds are still raw at times. I know that through the Atonement all things can be made whole. Even my heart.
I don't claim to know what anyone else has gone through or is going through. I just know we weren't sent here to do this alone.
me
The last memory I have of being naively happy was ironically at my Grandmother's funeral in 2006. I was about 6 months pregnant and with my gorgeous husband of almost 5 years. I had a great job that I loved and he was about to finish school at BYU.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. And I am keenly and painfully aware of that fact.
I know my grandma had something to do with his secrets coming out. She never was one to put up with any crap. I need to remember to thank her when I get to the other side. I fear that if things had gone on much longer that my outcome would have been even more tragic and painful than they were and currently are.
I was cleaning the kitchen and there was a knock at the door. It was the police. They asked for my husband. Clearly it was all a big misunderstanding. He had just gotten home from a YM presidency meeting.
Turns out I was wrong. He was at his meeting. They called his YM president to confirm.
He never showed up for his "date" that they had tried to ensnare him in. His double life never got physical. For that I am eternally grateful. He wasn't the smartest about who he was "talking" to online and sent his picture to some underage girls. They weren't actually underage girls. I am actually glad about that part. No underage girls were harmed by his stupidity. The fact that he didn't have any child porn was why I was able to forgive him. His temptation is the online/phone "chatting" and not so much the visual/video "normal" porn.
He is not a pedophile. Of that I am 100% sure. The police and the Holy Ghost have confirmed that to me.
I don't want to rehash all that has transpired since. To make a long story short, he went to jail for about 8 months. He was clean until about 6 months ago.
He was at least smarter about it all this time around and didn't get into any trouble with the law. Even he isn't THAT stupid.
I guess I thought that he was better that the painful experience of missing out on the first 8 months of his daughters life and basically losing his career would have been enough to get him to never touch that filth again. I was wrong.
I haven't confided in anyone since it happened again. Obviously many people knew when he was gone etc. but all the forgiving and good graces he is in with everyone else I don't want to throw away. I love him too much.
He is in good standing in the church, holds a calling and we can and do attend the temple regularly. He has his list of things he has to do to keep the adversary out of his life and mind. He is doing them. He loves me and our little family. I love him. He has promised it is over. For now at least I know that it is. I am not naive though to think that it couldn't happen again.
I still struggle. I struggle with trust, I struggle with my self-confidence and self-worth. I am still paranoid. I still wish things were different. I am still here. We are still here.
WE are intact. He blessed our new baby boy a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful. I was truly happy.
I don't think he'll ever be cured. I am looking at it now for what it really is. It is an addiction. It is one that we are battling together now.
I never got any counseling. I think I should have and I think I want to. I don't even know where to start.
I guess I have been waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver. I am tired of waiting. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. That punched in the gut feeling of how could he? Why would he?
I know I am not alone. I just sometimes feel alone.
I have been through the whole range of emotions and have come out the other side scarred and wounded. The wounds are still raw at times. I know that through the Atonement all things can be made whole. Even my heart.
I don't claim to know what anyone else has gone through or is going through. I just know we weren't sent here to do this alone.
me
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