Survival mode.

When my husband went to jail it was a total shock.  Our attorney had pretty much guaranteed that it wouldn't happen.  He said later that had we had the judge next door it would have been a totally different outcome. 

I can remember walking out of the courthouse totally shell shocked.  They had handed me his wallet and his belt.  I was alone.  My mom was watching our daughter and I had to get back to breast feed her.

I can remember walking into my mom's house almost hyperventilating.  I tried to calm down enough to feed the baby and then I vividly remember going into survival mode.

I started calculating all things money related, what to do with some of the most minute details.  What to do about his car? what about his work stuff? what about his cell phone? I had to feel in control of something, anything. 

I decided right then that I was going to survive this.  Every time I look at my sweet 2 month old I am glad I did.  He wouldn't be here right now if I didn't.

So many people have things so much worse.  I have a whole blog feeder full of heartbreaking blogs from death of a spouse to death of a child.  I know it isn't right to compare trials, but I think we all do it.

Although we never "separated" from all the drama we were separated for 8 months.  This definitely gave me the time and space I needed to heal and to forgive.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I was able to see him at his lowest and to actually feel sorry for him because of what he was going through.  Jail is not a fun place.  He went into survival mode too.  No one tells you what it is like to have someone you love in jail.  You have to survive it.

Some of the most tender letters were shared by us during that time as it was our main way to stay connected.  He could only see our daughter once a month, and was never allowed any physical contact with either of us.  Always behind glass.  It was tough.  It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  It was definitely the hardest thing he has ever done.

In some ways it made it easier to forgive him because I didn't feel like I needed to punish him any more than he was already being punished.  There were plenty of phone calls that ended abruptly with me in tears and frustrated and not knowing when I'd even talk to him again. 

I was buoyed up by so many during that time and the wagons were circled around me that I was able to get through.  I will be eternally grateful for those who helped us through that time.  The emotions were so raw and so close to the surface.  Any judgements people had towards him and me they basically kept to themselves.  I felt like ignorance was bliss.  I couldn't worry about who was judging him.  They will get theirs someday. 

I don't excuse anything that he did.  It is part of this disgusting and destructive addiction. 

It is weird to write of all this as so much time has passed.  It is a little painful to reflect upon and is not a place that either of us like to go emotionally.  It is too hard.

We have moved on since that time.

We have put it behind us.

We are taking each day as it comes and for now we are still surviving.

m.