drowning.

I feel like I haven't really been able to breathe for over 6 years now.  I feel like now is the time to reach out and hopefully find some air.

The last memory I have of being naively happy was ironically at my Grandmother's funeral in 2006.  I was about 6 months pregnant and with my gorgeous husband of almost 5 years.  I had a great job that I loved and he was about to finish school at BYU.

They say that hindsight is 20/20.  And I am keenly and painfully aware of that fact.

I know my grandma had something to do with his secrets coming out.  She never was one to put up with any crap.  I need to remember to thank her when I get to the other side.  I fear that if things had gone on much longer that my outcome would have been even more tragic and painful than they were and currently are.

I was cleaning the kitchen and there was a knock at the door. It was the police.  They asked for my husband.  Clearly it was all a big misunderstanding.  He had just gotten home from a YM presidency meeting.

Turns out I was wrong.  He was at his meeting.  They called his YM president to confirm.

He never showed up for his "date" that they had tried to ensnare him in.  His double life never got physical.  For that I am eternally grateful.  He wasn't the smartest about who he was "talking" to online and sent his picture to some underage girls.  They weren't actually underage girls.  I am actually glad about that part.  No underage girls were harmed by his stupidity.  The fact that he didn't have any child porn was why I was able to forgive him.  His temptation is the online/phone "chatting" and not so much the visual/video "normal" porn.

He is not a pedophile.  Of that I am 100% sure.  The police and the Holy Ghost have confirmed that to me.

I don't want to rehash all that has transpired since.  To make a long story short, he went to jail for about 8 months.  He was clean until about 6 months ago.

He was at least smarter about it all this time around and didn't get into any trouble with the law.  Even he isn't THAT stupid.

I guess I thought that he was better that the painful experience of missing out on the first 8 months of his daughters life and basically losing his career would have been enough to get him to never touch that filth again.  I was wrong.

I haven't confided in anyone since it happened again.  Obviously many people knew when he was gone etc. but all the forgiving and good graces he is in with everyone else I don't want to throw away.  I love him too much.

He is in good standing in the church, holds a calling and we can and do attend the temple regularly.  He has his list of things he has to do to keep the adversary out of his life and mind.  He is doing them.  He loves me and our little family.  I love him.  He has promised it is over.  For now at least I know that it is.  I am not naive though to think that it couldn't happen again.

I still struggle.  I struggle with trust, I struggle with my self-confidence and self-worth.  I am still paranoid.  I still wish things were different.  I am still here.  We are still here.

WE are intact.  He blessed our new baby boy a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful.  I was truly happy. 

I don't think he'll ever be cured.  I am looking at it now for what it really is.  It is an addiction.  It is one that we are battling together now.

I never got any counseling.  I think I should have and I think I want to.  I don't even know where to start.

I guess I have been waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver.  I am tired of waiting.  Sometimes it still feels like yesterday.  That punched in the gut feeling of how could he?  Why would he?

I know I am not alone.  I just sometimes feel alone.

I have been through the whole range of emotions and have come out the other side scarred and wounded.  The wounds are still raw at times.  I know that through the Atonement all things can be made whole.  Even my heart.

I don't claim to know what anyone else has gone through or is going through.  I just know we weren't sent here to do this alone.



me