forgiving

I have always been a person who hates to have anyone mad at me and who would rather fix things than let them sit and fester.  That being said forgiving my husband was HARD. 

I am a firm believer that forgiveness is an active and ongoing CHOICE and not something you just say and that is that.  It is also doesn't mean that you have to forget or even choose to stick around.  I don't blame anyone who doesn't stick it out.  Broken covenants and trust are extremely difficult to restore.  Also I don't think that divorce = no forgiveness.  There is a huge difference between forgiving and choosing to live/deal with the consequences especially when the other person isn't willing to change.

My CHOICE to stay was a very personal one.  I think initially it came out of a desire to "fix" everything and have things go back to the way they were.  That certainly couldn't happen.  My heart was broken.  My world was crumbling.  I was in a state of shock.  How could he let this happen? Why? These are questions that have the same answer -- addiction.

Forgiving an addict and living with one are two different challenges. 

While it was probably the most difficult decision of my life I knew I had to forgive.  It is a commandment after all.  How am I ever going to become like my Savior if I can't forgive like he does?  From SCARLET to WHITE SNOW?  That has a new perspective for me.  He has certainly forgiven me my share of sins.  And by forgiving him (husband) I have come closer to Him (Christ).  My personal testimony of the Atonement has been forever strengthened.  I know it is real.  I know He died for each one of us.  I know He loves my husband as much as He loves anyone else. 

In the beginning there were more bad days than good.  The smallest thing would set me off into a tailspin of frantic emotions.  After rehashing all the past emotions and hurling swear words at him I would find myself sobbing and not feeling any better.  Punishing him with these episodes wasn't helping.  It was almost like I had to decide everyday that I was going to forgive him and from there it eventually got easier. 

I knew I couldn't stay if I couldn't forgive him.  He wouldn't stay if I couldn't forgive him.

There are still days when it all comes rushing back.  My heart is still raw inside even though I have built up some pretty strong walls.  That is what I am trying to work on now.  Bringing down the walls and actually feeling happy.  For as much as my husband has had to use the Atonement in his personal repentance process I have needed it in my own life to buoy me up and keep me focused on the eternal perspective.