Friday, February 21, 2014


Soooo I am 5 weeks pregnant.  I am afraid to even say it out loud.  I really want a baby.  This baby.

Having a miscarriage is a hard thing.  To me I really felt like it was a consequence of the Fall.  I am a human being and this experience and the heart ache it has brought me really connects me to this Telestial Earth.  The grief I have experienced is so much different that the grief my husband's actions brought. 

I know that although the pain is different the solution is the same.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ can fill both holes in my heart. 

I can't decide if I am jaded or just lack faith.  I tend to be a pessimist.  It drives my husband crazy.  I am having a hard time getting too excited for this baby.  I guess it is to be expected.  My doctor promised as much.  I know that it is in the Lord's hands.  All I can do is all I can do. 

Here's to hoping for a happy ending this time around...


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Loss is loss and grief is grief

Last month I miscarried at 16 weeks.  Though devastating news I was flooded with well wishers and sympathy.  I was buoyed up by prayers and love.  I was doted on and pampered by my sweet husband.

It was kind of nice for once to be able to express my feelings and sadness openly and not worry about who I was talking to and if they would respect my privacy.  Miscarriage isn't taboo.  It isn't something to feel guilt over.  It happens.  Death happens.  We aren't in control of any of it really and so for me it has been easier to deal with in some ways than the turmoil that my husband created.  It really sucks to suffer in silence!  I am so grateful for the bloggers out there who aren't afraid to share openly. 

I am grateful I had the chance to go to the Togetherness Project a couple months ago. 

I am doing ok.  I am still sad and disappointed.  Physically I am fine.  My depression hasn't really changed.  I am staying busy and with the holidays that isn't too hard to do.  I find myself distracted most of the time. 

I find myself reevaluating both my life and the choices and consequences of so many choices.  I hate playing the what if game.  It always just leaves me sad in the end.  I can't go back in time.  I can't change the past.  I can't bring my baby back to life.  I can't change the situation my husband created. 

But I CAN change me.  I CAN be the kind of mom I always promised myself I'd be.  I CAN be the wife that I want to be.  I CAN be in shape.  I CAN eat healthy.  I CAN read my scriptures and pray.

Now I just have to find the will to just get up and DO it. 

I am so thankful for the holiday season and for the gift that Christ has given each of us.  And hopefully there is a way in that plan that I can get the chance to raise that sweet little boy that only lived for a short time within me.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Recent Ramblings

So I have been pretty AWOL lately.  I guess the holidays and life in general has kept me pretty busy.  I can feel it in my bones though.  The need to purge all the things that I think and have on my mind.  I have been keeping up with many of your through your blogs and let me just say that you are all so amazing.  I find myself agreeing with almost everything you say and so I am left thinking that there isn't much I could add to what you have already said.

That being said I am in a pretty good place right now with my man.  I don't have much that I can really complain about right now.  For now we are in a good holding pattern.  I am nervous because sometimes I feel like it is the calm before the storm. 

I want to write more about my experience in the hopes that maybe someone out there somewhere can avoid all that my family had to go through. 

I am going to try and go back to the beginning of the mess that is/was my life and hopefully find peace and some level of closure.

My only hope is that if you read/comment here you do so tenderly.  My life is not a train wreck that you can't pull your eyes away from gawking at.  My family is my everything. 


My husband obviously never wanted to have happen when eventually transpired.  Pornography is a trap.  It is much like any other drug or vice that for many people is viewed as harmless.  But then again so is alcohol, tobacco and even food for that matter.  It isn't one of those things that can be enjoyed in moderation.  A glass of red "porn" with dinner every once in a while or a casual "porn" drinker isn't ok the same way that at least in my religion alcohol is EVER ok.

No two situations are the same.  No two men have the same level of will power or determination. My husband was and still is the love of my life.  He is the father of my kids and future kids and I know he loves me.

He got himself into a big mess. 

Through his therapy he has conceded that alot of it had to do with his self-esteem.  shocker...

Sometimes it is hard not to roll my eyes at the thought of that. 

So I am supposed to feel sorry for you and your low self-esteem??  hmmmmmm

Monday, October 15, 2012

Not ok

I sometimes feel like if I keep myself busy then there won't be time to feel the emotions that I have locked away so tightly.

I know that I am not ok.

I started taking antidepressants this week.  So far so good.  I can tell they are in my system but the verdict is still out on whether or not they are the answer.  I think certainly they would be only part of the answer. 

Ironically this postpartum has been harder than last time.  Last time my husband was in jail.  This time he is ever doting on our sweet little man and his momma. 

I feel like I have dealt with many of my issues in reverse.  I have gone 6+ years with no outlet, no help, no forums, no group meetings, no counselor, no medication.  I am an idiot.  I sometimes think I would sound stupid showing up to a meeting. 

I finally humbled myself enough to start reading through the recovery steps.  Looks like something I can do for now. 

Honesty.  Such a loaded word in this ugly world of ours.  Sometimes I wonder what real honesty would even sound like.  Culturally we are programmed I feel to not be 100% honest.  We can't blurt things out that would be insensitive or rude.  So why would our husbands who have promised our dad's that they would take care of us forever want to cause us pain by being honest?  Lame I know. is painfully obvious to me that I am powerless when it comes to most things and there are certainly parts of my life that are unmanageable. 


Monday, September 24, 2012

Layers of Pain

I recently found out that a friend of a friend is going through something similar but wayyyy worse than what I went through.  :( My heart breaks for her, for her sweet little children and for her stupid husband. 

So many emotions I felt when the *$&^# hit the fan have come rushing back as I have thought about her situation and what is coming for her.  I was talking with my mom about it and it was interesting to reflect on the many different layers of pain we "lucky" women get to endure.

I actually found myself utter the words..."man I'm grateful for my own situation/husband's situation." 

I am reminded of just how deep my own wounds go and just how high my walls are.  :( 

I am grateful that no matter how deep my despair I was and am never alone.

Neither are you!


Thursday, September 20, 2012


It is true when they say that hindsight is 20/20.  It isn't just 20/20 it is painful and frustrating.  I sometimes wish there wasn't an instant replay button in my head.  It would be so much easier to forget.  Why couldn't I get hit in the head and have amnesia?  Just kidding.  That would be really hard too.  50 First Dates anyone?

Looking back in my particular situation it is easy to pinpoint specific examples where a different choice could have lead to very a different outcome.  What if?  Such a simple question with so many possible answers.  Sometimes I lie awake in my bed and ponder.  I don't know if it is cathartic or masochistic.  Either way I do it.  My fears sometimes get the best of me and I have to remind myself how far we have come and how we are moving forward on an upward trajectory.  Nobody said it would be instantaneous or easy.  There is no magic wand to make things all better.  There is no fairy tale ending in the world of sex/porn addiction.  There is work and more work.  There is need for having more faith than you thought possible.  Mostly in yourself.  We are strong women.  There is strength in staying and leaving.  I often think it would be harder to leave.  For those women who have chosen that path I salute you.  I don't think I am that strong.  I hope I never have to test that mettle that is probably there inside me. 

If I could pinpoint one moment I wish I could redo it would be about 2 months into our marriage.  I came home from a long day at school to a spotless home.  My husband had cleaned and arranged everything.  I thought to myself man how lucky am I? 

I found my husband in the back of our one bedroom apartment in tears.  He had called a singles chat line and listened to some messages.  He hadn't talked to anyone or done anything "that" bad but he felt terrible.  He cleaned and cleaned probably in some sort of theraputic way to both do something nice for me and to make himself feel better.  He opened up about some of the demons he had battled and promised that it was all in the past.  We cried together and he promised it would never happen again.  What if he had kept that promise?  What if I hadn't been so naiive?

What if?

Do you ever do that to yourself?  If you could tell your newlywed self one thing what would it be? 

I always have to hold back when at bridal showers I am tasked with giving advice to the new bride.  Instead of the typical "never go to bed angry" and "if he seems grumpy feed him" I want to write down "don't put the computer in the back room" or "if something seems off go with your gut instincts" or even be so bold as to say "when your husband seems off he may have an addition to sex/porn so maybe reseach that ahead of time."

I know that I don't want my sweet daughter to know the gory details of her daddy's past but I certainly want to armor her tender heart in case she is faced with a similar cross to bear. 

What about you?

Thursday, August 30, 2012


Yes I'm alive.  Life has just been crazy and busy and thankfully pretty uneventful on the home front.

I feel like I am stuck in a holding pattern.  I am not totally happy and I like to blame everything and everyone but myself.  I find joy in bits of my life but I am not happy overall.  I find joy in my children but honestly I am struggling to find joy in my marriage. 

My house is a mess, my work load is too heavy and the number on the scale is too high.


My children are beautiful and healthy, my family is moving forward, my friends are the best that there is.

I signed up for a 10K in October...we shall see how that goes.  I really I know that I need to exercise more.  If I could lose 20 pounds and have all those running endorphins it would make a difference. 


I had a terrible nightmare the other night that sent me into a spiral downward.  Trust is such a fragile thing.  It really made me realize how delicate it is and just how far I really have to go in my journey towards fully trusting my husband.  At times I feel ok and then things trigger me that set me back.  I guess it is to be expected...


Enough of my pity party.  I am going to choose to be happy today.

I'll let you know how it goes...