Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hindsight

It is true when they say that hindsight is 20/20.  It isn't just 20/20 it is painful and frustrating.  I sometimes wish there wasn't an instant replay button in my head.  It would be so much easier to forget.  Why couldn't I get hit in the head and have amnesia?  Just kidding.  That would be really hard too.  50 First Dates anyone?

Looking back in my particular situation it is easy to pinpoint specific examples where a different choice could have lead to very a different outcome.  What if?  Such a simple question with so many possible answers.  Sometimes I lie awake in my bed and ponder.  I don't know if it is cathartic or masochistic.  Either way I do it.  My fears sometimes get the best of me and I have to remind myself how far we have come and how we are moving forward on an upward trajectory.  Nobody said it would be instantaneous or easy.  There is no magic wand to make things all better.  There is no fairy tale ending in the world of sex/porn addiction.  There is work and more work.  There is need for having more faith than you thought possible.  Mostly in yourself.  We are strong women.  There is strength in staying and leaving.  I often think it would be harder to leave.  For those women who have chosen that path I salute you.  I don't think I am that strong.  I hope I never have to test that mettle that is probably there inside me. 

If I could pinpoint one moment I wish I could redo it would be about 2 months into our marriage.  I came home from a long day at school to a spotless home.  My husband had cleaned and arranged everything.  I thought to myself man how lucky am I? 

I found my husband in the back of our one bedroom apartment in tears.  He had called a singles chat line and listened to some messages.  He hadn't talked to anyone or done anything "that" bad but he felt terrible.  He cleaned and cleaned probably in some sort of theraputic way to both do something nice for me and to make himself feel better.  He opened up about some of the demons he had battled and promised that it was all in the past.  We cried together and he promised it would never happen again.  What if he had kept that promise?  What if I hadn't been so naiive?

What if?

Do you ever do that to yourself?  If you could tell your newlywed self one thing what would it be? 

I always have to hold back when at bridal showers I am tasked with giving advice to the new bride.  Instead of the typical "never go to bed angry" and "if he seems grumpy feed him" I want to write down "don't put the computer in the back room" or "if something seems off go with your gut instincts" or even be so bold as to say "when your husband seems off he may have an addition to sex/porn so maybe reseach that ahead of time."

I know that I don't want my sweet daughter to know the gory details of her daddy's past but I certainly want to armor her tender heart in case she is faced with a similar cross to bear. 

What about you?

4 comments:

  1. I feel the same way and keep thinking "what if?"

    I got married not knowing my husband very well and I wished I would've asked about porn and I am definitely going to prepare my daughters. I think I even need to go as far as to ask future son in laws. I can't bear the thought of any of my children having to go through this.

    Study and prepare has been on my mind a lot lately.

    I also have been avoiding bridle showers lately...if only I could go and share my advice about pornography.

    Thank you for your post! I agree with wanting to have amnesia. Sometimes I've wondered if my husband were blind he would be better off, but that wouldn't be good!

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  2. Oh Sparrow thanks for your comments. It is so nice to know we aren't alone in this aweful battle. Sadly I think there are more women out there dealing with this on their own and more men out there who are afraid to admit there is a problem.

    Hang in there woman. You can do this!!!

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  3. I know it's painful to imagine our daughters going through this, but ultimately we can't protect our children from the trials they will face. If it's not this, it will be something else.

    So what would I tell my newlywed self? I would say

    "Decide today, right now, that you are the master of your fate and the author of your story. You determine your happiness, not your circumstances. Dig deep and give your husband and the world all the love you have, knowing you will be okay and God will teach you whatever it is that you need, when are willing to learn."

    How's that for totally oversimplifying? :)

    Try not to get hung-up on the "What ifs?" They can make you crazy. I have a friend who put her baby boy down for a nap on her bed. He never woke up and she nearly went crazy with "What ifs" before she finally let them go.

    Thanks for sharing. I can definitely relate to your thoughts.

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  4. those are my favorite questions, "why" and "what if'

    but dang it...there are no answers to those questions.

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