I sometimes feel like if I keep myself busy then there won't be time to feel the emotions that I have locked away so tightly.
I know that I am not ok.
I started taking antidepressants this week. So far so good. I can tell they are in my system but the verdict is still out on whether or not they are the answer. I think certainly they would be only part of the answer.
Ironically this postpartum has been harder than last time. Last time my husband was in jail. This time he is ever doting on our sweet little man and his momma.
I feel like I have dealt with many of my issues in reverse. I have gone 6+ years with no outlet, no help, no forums, no group meetings, no counselor, no medication. I am an idiot. I sometimes think I would sound stupid showing up to a meeting.
I finally humbled myself enough to start reading through the recovery steps. Looks like something I can do for now.
Honesty. Such a loaded word in this ugly world of ours. Sometimes I wonder what real honesty would even sound like. Culturally we are programmed I feel to not be 100% honest. We can't blurt things out that would be insensitive or rude. So why would our husbands who have promised our dad's that they would take care of us forever want to cause us pain by being honest? Lame I know.
Anyway...it is painfully obvious to me that I am powerless when it comes to most things and there are certainly parts of my life that are unmanageable.
m.
My husband recently shared with me that he had started Step One.
ReplyDelete"I answered the first question for Step one," was all he said.
"How did that go?" I asked.
"It sucked."
I was so glad he was honest! Because YEAH it DOES suck that we're not in control. It really sucks! But after a while, it feels really good... because once we let God take that control, life become so much clearer than it was before.
Have you read the book, "Feeling Good." My therapist recommended it to me and it's helping immensely with my depression.
ReplyDeleteSorry things are not going well. I admit I thought the Support group was not for me. I mustered up enough courage to get me there and when I walked in, I was welcomed with so much love. It really is a safe place to talk.I could not keep it together without the women in my group. We all uplift and support each other. I never want to miss a meeting, because it feels my well each week and gives me added strength as I work the steps.
My prayers are with you!
how are you doing now, mrs m. I've been thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am ok. I really need to get back to blogging again. I am loving your blog by the way. You are a rockstar! :)
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