Last month I miscarried at 16 weeks. Though devastating news I was flooded with well wishers and sympathy. I was buoyed up by prayers and love. I was doted on and pampered by my sweet husband.
It was kind of nice for once to be able to express my feelings and sadness openly and not worry about who I was talking to and if they would respect my privacy. Miscarriage isn't taboo. It isn't something to feel guilt over. It happens. Death happens. We aren't in control of any of it really and so for me it has been easier to deal with in some ways than the turmoil that my husband created. It really sucks to suffer in silence! I am so grateful for the bloggers out there who aren't afraid to share openly.
I am grateful I had the chance to go to the Togetherness Project a couple months ago.
I am doing ok. I am still sad and disappointed. Physically I am fine. My depression hasn't really changed. I am staying busy and with the holidays that isn't too hard to do. I find myself distracted most of the time.
I find myself reevaluating both my life and the choices and consequences of so many choices. I hate playing the what if game. It always just leaves me sad in the end. I can't go back in time. I can't change the past. I can't bring my baby back to life. I can't change the situation my husband created.
But I CAN change me. I CAN be the kind of mom I always promised myself I'd be. I CAN be the wife that I want to be. I CAN be in shape. I CAN eat healthy. I CAN read my scriptures and pray.
Now I just have to find the will to just get up and DO it.
I am so thankful for the holiday season and for the gift that Christ has given each of us. And hopefully there is a way in that plan that I can get the chance to raise that sweet little boy that only lived for a short time within me.
M
