Stronger

Husband and I got a couple days to ourselves this past weekend.  Well mostly to ourselves.  We took the little mister with us.  :)  being three months old he is kinda still my little sidekick. 

Anyway, on our road trip I took it upon myself to really ask some tough questions of Mr M.  He was driving and couldn't escape my line of questioning.  There were no raised voices, not even any tears which was amazing.  We just talked.  We talked about the past and the future but mostly the present.

We talked about how he can continue to avoid sin and the appearance of it.  What things we may need to change and how we need to communicate better.  We both felt so much peace after airing some things out that needed to be cleared up. I am determined to have these conversations much more often.  Life just has a way of getting out of control and I know I need to make our relationship the center of my universe.  Not my 3 month old, not my 5 year old, not my job or anything else.  Him. 

For so long I have lived in kind of some sort of weird limbo land.  We are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and it occurred to me that we have been dealing with his "issues" for longer than we have not. 

We have certainly been through a lot.  More than some, but not as much as so many others of you out there.  Some of what we have been through I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I wish that no one would have to feel the exquisite pain of being lied to or feel the burden of carrying a dark secret.  The strain of having your husband behind bars and worrying if you can keep everything together while he is gone.

As I have reflected on some of what I have "survived" I really do know that I am stronger because of it all.  I KNOW I can survive a husband who has lied.  I KNOW I can survive on my own for a prolonged period of time.  I KNOW I can keep it together when I have to.  I KNOW I have a support group that is there for me. 

My advice to anyone out there is that while it may never get better or easier or whatever, YOU can become stronger and your capacity to endure it can be increased. 

He may not remove the trials before you, but He has promised to make them become lighter.

He has certainly done so for me.

anxiety?

I have never sought any counseling or therapy outside of my Bishop and close friends and family.  I think that has been a mistake.  6 years is a long time to have everything bottled up. 

I have been struggling lately with what I am self-diagnosing as anxiety.  There have been so many changes in my life lately.  We are hoping to close on our first house next month, we have a 3 month old new baby and I am hoping to quit my job for good in the next few months.  Oh and my husband is a recovering sex addict who also has a record.  There's that fun element of my life...

So I guess I am normal.  Right? 

Some things that make me anxious right now:
1. relapse
2. relapse
3. relapse
4. moving
5. meeting a whole new ward
6. dealing with any "consequences" of new said ward finding out our "secret"
7. trusting my husband financially. (I have worked our entire marriage and make more than he does)
8. raising a son and teaching him not to make the same mistakes as his dad
9. losing the baby weight while trying to breastfeed (I don't feel pretty or confident)

My question is how did you find the right therapist? I have really been thinking about seeing someone to deal with everything.  I don't want to waste time and money on someone that is just going to tell me what I already know.  I just feel like I have reached a plateau.  But I know that things aren't where they need to be. 

I still haven't had sex with my husband since the baby was born.  I guess I just don't feel up to it.  Problem is I want to feel up to it. 

I feel like I have gotten really good at faking life.  I don't want to fake things anymore.  I want to be genuine.  I am a genuine person.  I just feel like I have a filter on all the time and I can't move past it.

Anyway..sorry for my ranting.  Any advice would be appreciated.

M