Not ok

I sometimes feel like if I keep myself busy then there won't be time to feel the emotions that I have locked away so tightly.

I know that I am not ok.

I started taking antidepressants this week.  So far so good.  I can tell they are in my system but the verdict is still out on whether or not they are the answer.  I think certainly they would be only part of the answer. 

Ironically this postpartum has been harder than last time.  Last time my husband was in jail.  This time he is ever doting on our sweet little man and his momma. 

I feel like I have dealt with many of my issues in reverse.  I have gone 6+ years with no outlet, no help, no forums, no group meetings, no counselor, no medication.  I am an idiot.  I sometimes think I would sound stupid showing up to a meeting. 

I finally humbled myself enough to start reading through the recovery steps.  Looks like something I can do for now. 

Honesty.  Such a loaded word in this ugly world of ours.  Sometimes I wonder what real honesty would even sound like.  Culturally we are programmed I feel to not be 100% honest.  We can't blurt things out that would be insensitive or rude.  So why would our husbands who have promised our dad's that they would take care of us forever want to cause us pain by being honest?  Lame I know. 

Anyway...it is painfully obvious to me that I am powerless when it comes to most things and there are certainly parts of my life that are unmanageable. 

m.

Layers of Pain

I recently found out that a friend of a friend is going through something similar but wayyyy worse than what I went through.  :( My heart breaks for her, for her sweet little children and for her stupid husband. 

So many emotions I felt when the *$&^# hit the fan have come rushing back as I have thought about her situation and what is coming for her.  I was talking with my mom about it and it was interesting to reflect on the many different layers of pain we "lucky" women get to endure.

I actually found myself utter the words..."man I'm grateful for my own situation/husband's situation." 

I am reminded of just how deep my own wounds go and just how high my walls are.  :( 

I am grateful that no matter how deep my despair I was and am never alone.

Neither are you!

M

Hindsight

It is true when they say that hindsight is 20/20.  It isn't just 20/20 it is painful and frustrating.  I sometimes wish there wasn't an instant replay button in my head.  It would be so much easier to forget.  Why couldn't I get hit in the head and have amnesia?  Just kidding.  That would be really hard too.  50 First Dates anyone?

Looking back in my particular situation it is easy to pinpoint specific examples where a different choice could have lead to very a different outcome.  What if?  Such a simple question with so many possible answers.  Sometimes I lie awake in my bed and ponder.  I don't know if it is cathartic or masochistic.  Either way I do it.  My fears sometimes get the best of me and I have to remind myself how far we have come and how we are moving forward on an upward trajectory.  Nobody said it would be instantaneous or easy.  There is no magic wand to make things all better.  There is no fairy tale ending in the world of sex/porn addiction.  There is work and more work.  There is need for having more faith than you thought possible.  Mostly in yourself.  We are strong women.  There is strength in staying and leaving.  I often think it would be harder to leave.  For those women who have chosen that path I salute you.  I don't think I am that strong.  I hope I never have to test that mettle that is probably there inside me. 

If I could pinpoint one moment I wish I could redo it would be about 2 months into our marriage.  I came home from a long day at school to a spotless home.  My husband had cleaned and arranged everything.  I thought to myself man how lucky am I? 

I found my husband in the back of our one bedroom apartment in tears.  He had called a singles chat line and listened to some messages.  He hadn't talked to anyone or done anything "that" bad but he felt terrible.  He cleaned and cleaned probably in some sort of theraputic way to both do something nice for me and to make himself feel better.  He opened up about some of the demons he had battled and promised that it was all in the past.  We cried together and he promised it would never happen again.  What if he had kept that promise?  What if I hadn't been so naiive?

What if?

Do you ever do that to yourself?  If you could tell your newlywed self one thing what would it be? 

I always have to hold back when at bridal showers I am tasked with giving advice to the new bride.  Instead of the typical "never go to bed angry" and "if he seems grumpy feed him" I want to write down "don't put the computer in the back room" or "if something seems off go with your gut instincts" or even be so bold as to say "when your husband seems off he may have an addition to sex/porn so maybe reseach that ahead of time."

I know that I don't want my sweet daughter to know the gory details of her daddy's past but I certainly want to armor her tender heart in case she is faced with a similar cross to bear. 

What about you?

Lately

Yes I'm alive.  Life has just been crazy and busy and thankfully pretty uneventful on the home front.

I feel like I am stuck in a holding pattern.  I am not totally happy and I like to blame everything and everyone but myself.  I find joy in bits of my life but I am not happy overall.  I find joy in my children but honestly I am struggling to find joy in my marriage. 

My house is a mess, my work load is too heavy and the number on the scale is too high.

but

My children are beautiful and healthy, my family is moving forward, my friends are the best that there is.

I signed up for a 10K in October...we shall see how that goes.  I really think...no I know that I need to exercise more.  If I could lose 20 pounds and have all those running endorphins it would make a difference. 

then

I had a terrible nightmare the other night that sent me into a spiral downward.  Trust is such a fragile thing.  It really made me realize how delicate it is and just how far I really have to go in my journey towards fully trusting my husband.  At times I feel ok and then things trigger me that set me back.  I guess it is to be expected...

so

Enough of my pity party.  I am going to choose to be happy today.

I'll let you know how it goes...

M

Stronger

Husband and I got a couple days to ourselves this past weekend.  Well mostly to ourselves.  We took the little mister with us.  :)  being three months old he is kinda still my little sidekick. 

Anyway, on our road trip I took it upon myself to really ask some tough questions of Mr M.  He was driving and couldn't escape my line of questioning.  There were no raised voices, not even any tears which was amazing.  We just talked.  We talked about the past and the future but mostly the present.

We talked about how he can continue to avoid sin and the appearance of it.  What things we may need to change and how we need to communicate better.  We both felt so much peace after airing some things out that needed to be cleared up. I am determined to have these conversations much more often.  Life just has a way of getting out of control and I know I need to make our relationship the center of my universe.  Not my 3 month old, not my 5 year old, not my job or anything else.  Him. 

For so long I have lived in kind of some sort of weird limbo land.  We are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and it occurred to me that we have been dealing with his "issues" for longer than we have not. 

We have certainly been through a lot.  More than some, but not as much as so many others of you out there.  Some of what we have been through I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I wish that no one would have to feel the exquisite pain of being lied to or feel the burden of carrying a dark secret.  The strain of having your husband behind bars and worrying if you can keep everything together while he is gone.

As I have reflected on some of what I have "survived" I really do know that I am stronger because of it all.  I KNOW I can survive a husband who has lied.  I KNOW I can survive on my own for a prolonged period of time.  I KNOW I can keep it together when I have to.  I KNOW I have a support group that is there for me. 

My advice to anyone out there is that while it may never get better or easier or whatever, YOU can become stronger and your capacity to endure it can be increased. 

He may not remove the trials before you, but He has promised to make them become lighter.

He has certainly done so for me.

anxiety?

I have never sought any counseling or therapy outside of my Bishop and close friends and family.  I think that has been a mistake.  6 years is a long time to have everything bottled up. 

I have been struggling lately with what I am self-diagnosing as anxiety.  There have been so many changes in my life lately.  We are hoping to close on our first house next month, we have a 3 month old new baby and I am hoping to quit my job for good in the next few months.  Oh and my husband is a recovering sex addict who also has a record.  There's that fun element of my life...

So I guess I am normal.  Right? 

Some things that make me anxious right now:
1. relapse
2. relapse
3. relapse
4. moving
5. meeting a whole new ward
6. dealing with any "consequences" of new said ward finding out our "secret"
7. trusting my husband financially. (I have worked our entire marriage and make more than he does)
8. raising a son and teaching him not to make the same mistakes as his dad
9. losing the baby weight while trying to breastfeed (I don't feel pretty or confident)

My question is how did you find the right therapist? I have really been thinking about seeing someone to deal with everything.  I don't want to waste time and money on someone that is just going to tell me what I already know.  I just feel like I have reached a plateau.  But I know that things aren't where they need to be. 

I still haven't had sex with my husband since the baby was born.  I guess I just don't feel up to it.  Problem is I want to feel up to it. 

I feel like I have gotten really good at faking life.  I don't want to fake things anymore.  I want to be genuine.  I am a genuine person.  I just feel like I have a filter on all the time and I can't move past it.

Anyway..sorry for my ranting.  Any advice would be appreciated.

M

forgiving

I have always been a person who hates to have anyone mad at me and who would rather fix things than let them sit and fester.  That being said forgiving my husband was HARD. 

I am a firm believer that forgiveness is an active and ongoing CHOICE and not something you just say and that is that.  It is also doesn't mean that you have to forget or even choose to stick around.  I don't blame anyone who doesn't stick it out.  Broken covenants and trust are extremely difficult to restore.  Also I don't think that divorce = no forgiveness.  There is a huge difference between forgiving and choosing to live/deal with the consequences especially when the other person isn't willing to change.

My CHOICE to stay was a very personal one.  I think initially it came out of a desire to "fix" everything and have things go back to the way they were.  That certainly couldn't happen.  My heart was broken.  My world was crumbling.  I was in a state of shock.  How could he let this happen? Why? These are questions that have the same answer -- addiction.

Forgiving an addict and living with one are two different challenges. 

While it was probably the most difficult decision of my life I knew I had to forgive.  It is a commandment after all.  How am I ever going to become like my Savior if I can't forgive like he does?  From SCARLET to WHITE SNOW?  That has a new perspective for me.  He has certainly forgiven me my share of sins.  And by forgiving him (husband) I have come closer to Him (Christ).  My personal testimony of the Atonement has been forever strengthened.  I know it is real.  I know He died for each one of us.  I know He loves my husband as much as He loves anyone else. 

In the beginning there were more bad days than good.  The smallest thing would set me off into a tailspin of frantic emotions.  After rehashing all the past emotions and hurling swear words at him I would find myself sobbing and not feeling any better.  Punishing him with these episodes wasn't helping.  It was almost like I had to decide everyday that I was going to forgive him and from there it eventually got easier. 

I knew I couldn't stay if I couldn't forgive him.  He wouldn't stay if I couldn't forgive him.

There are still days when it all comes rushing back.  My heart is still raw inside even though I have built up some pretty strong walls.  That is what I am trying to work on now.  Bringing down the walls and actually feeling happy.  For as much as my husband has had to use the Atonement in his personal repentance process I have needed it in my own life to buoy me up and keep me focused on the eternal perspective. 

Survival mode.

When my husband went to jail it was a total shock.  Our attorney had pretty much guaranteed that it wouldn't happen.  He said later that had we had the judge next door it would have been a totally different outcome. 

I can remember walking out of the courthouse totally shell shocked.  They had handed me his wallet and his belt.  I was alone.  My mom was watching our daughter and I had to get back to breast feed her.

I can remember walking into my mom's house almost hyperventilating.  I tried to calm down enough to feed the baby and then I vividly remember going into survival mode.

I started calculating all things money related, what to do with some of the most minute details.  What to do about his car? what about his work stuff? what about his cell phone? I had to feel in control of something, anything. 

I decided right then that I was going to survive this.  Every time I look at my sweet 2 month old I am glad I did.  He wouldn't be here right now if I didn't.

So many people have things so much worse.  I have a whole blog feeder full of heartbreaking blogs from death of a spouse to death of a child.  I know it isn't right to compare trials, but I think we all do it.

Although we never "separated" from all the drama we were separated for 8 months.  This definitely gave me the time and space I needed to heal and to forgive.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I was able to see him at his lowest and to actually feel sorry for him because of what he was going through.  Jail is not a fun place.  He went into survival mode too.  No one tells you what it is like to have someone you love in jail.  You have to survive it.

Some of the most tender letters were shared by us during that time as it was our main way to stay connected.  He could only see our daughter once a month, and was never allowed any physical contact with either of us.  Always behind glass.  It was tough.  It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  It was definitely the hardest thing he has ever done.

In some ways it made it easier to forgive him because I didn't feel like I needed to punish him any more than he was already being punished.  There were plenty of phone calls that ended abruptly with me in tears and frustrated and not knowing when I'd even talk to him again. 

I was buoyed up by so many during that time and the wagons were circled around me that I was able to get through.  I will be eternally grateful for those who helped us through that time.  The emotions were so raw and so close to the surface.  Any judgements people had towards him and me they basically kept to themselves.  I felt like ignorance was bliss.  I couldn't worry about who was judging him.  They will get theirs someday. 

I don't excuse anything that he did.  It is part of this disgusting and destructive addiction. 

It is weird to write of all this as so much time has passed.  It is a little painful to reflect upon and is not a place that either of us like to go emotionally.  It is too hard.

We have moved on since that time.

We have put it behind us.

We are taking each day as it comes and for now we are still surviving.

m.

drowning.

I feel like I haven't really been able to breathe for over 6 years now.  I feel like now is the time to reach out and hopefully find some air.

The last memory I have of being naively happy was ironically at my Grandmother's funeral in 2006.  I was about 6 months pregnant and with my gorgeous husband of almost 5 years.  I had a great job that I loved and he was about to finish school at BYU.

They say that hindsight is 20/20.  And I am keenly and painfully aware of that fact.

I know my grandma had something to do with his secrets coming out.  She never was one to put up with any crap.  I need to remember to thank her when I get to the other side.  I fear that if things had gone on much longer that my outcome would have been even more tragic and painful than they were and currently are.

I was cleaning the kitchen and there was a knock at the door. It was the police.  They asked for my husband.  Clearly it was all a big misunderstanding.  He had just gotten home from a YM presidency meeting.

Turns out I was wrong.  He was at his meeting.  They called his YM president to confirm.

He never showed up for his "date" that they had tried to ensnare him in.  His double life never got physical.  For that I am eternally grateful.  He wasn't the smartest about who he was "talking" to online and sent his picture to some underage girls.  They weren't actually underage girls.  I am actually glad about that part.  No underage girls were harmed by his stupidity.  The fact that he didn't have any child porn was why I was able to forgive him.  His temptation is the online/phone "chatting" and not so much the visual/video "normal" porn.

He is not a pedophile.  Of that I am 100% sure.  The police and the Holy Ghost have confirmed that to me.

I don't want to rehash all that has transpired since.  To make a long story short, he went to jail for about 8 months.  He was clean until about 6 months ago.

He was at least smarter about it all this time around and didn't get into any trouble with the law.  Even he isn't THAT stupid.

I guess I thought that he was better that the painful experience of missing out on the first 8 months of his daughters life and basically losing his career would have been enough to get him to never touch that filth again.  I was wrong.

I haven't confided in anyone since it happened again.  Obviously many people knew when he was gone etc. but all the forgiving and good graces he is in with everyone else I don't want to throw away.  I love him too much.

He is in good standing in the church, holds a calling and we can and do attend the temple regularly.  He has his list of things he has to do to keep the adversary out of his life and mind.  He is doing them.  He loves me and our little family.  I love him.  He has promised it is over.  For now at least I know that it is.  I am not naive though to think that it couldn't happen again.

I still struggle.  I struggle with trust, I struggle with my self-confidence and self-worth.  I am still paranoid.  I still wish things were different.  I am still here.  We are still here.

WE are intact.  He blessed our new baby boy a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful.  I was truly happy. 

I don't think he'll ever be cured.  I am looking at it now for what it really is.  It is an addiction.  It is one that we are battling together now.

I never got any counseling.  I think I should have and I think I want to.  I don't even know where to start.

I guess I have been waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver.  I am tired of waiting.  Sometimes it still feels like yesterday.  That punched in the gut feeling of how could he?  Why would he?

I know I am not alone.  I just sometimes feel alone.

I have been through the whole range of emotions and have come out the other side scarred and wounded.  The wounds are still raw at times.  I know that through the Atonement all things can be made whole.  Even my heart.

I don't claim to know what anyone else has gone through or is going through.  I just know we weren't sent here to do this alone.



me